006 - On Documenting, Sharing & Memories
Am I living in the moment or am I saving the moment as a future-memory?
Hiiiiiiii hello, I can’t believe it’s been a year since my last newsletter. I don’t know why I stopped writing, nothing much happens for me actually, I’m still walking on this planet with a constant tightrope between bliss and disaster. But here I am, popping in to say hi! <3
Last week, I attended a friend’s birthday party at their house. It was nice meeting a lot of new people and eating good food. I had so much fun that the next morning when I’m sober and checked my phone, a realization just hit me. I did not take photos or post anything about the birthday party!!! I know, I sound pathetic but let’s be real with me for a second here, I’m not the only one who’s been obsessing in constantly documenting our lives and sharing them for the world to see. The modern philosophy seems to be that if there are no photos, then it didn’t really happen.
I think our obsession with documenting every aspect of our lives is related to our way of optimizing our memories. At least that’s my own reason. For me personally, I have always developed a fear that I was forgetting my life, therefore I frantically record my present because I want to be able one day return to it, relieving them with the knowledge of how it all turned out. I like relieving memories like I’m doing time travel. I indulge my memories like a junky. I hate that I forget to capture the moment because the thought of forgetting my life scares the shit out of me.
I vividly remember that time I lost all the photos and videos on my laptop during my high school year. It was like all the memories in my life up to that point had disappeared into the void. Of course I could still remember some moments but I felt so upset that I no longer have “a proof” of that life and experiences. I know in the future I will have a new reality that’s going to be more worthy of my attention to the past, but why can’t I stop trying to desperately capture what’s happening in my life for later review?
There was one time when I tried to beat the system by purposely not taking any photos of my dinner during a night out and I regretted it a few hours later because the food was wonderful and now I don’t have any proof of its existence. This is sounds stupid and ridicoulus and I’m ashamed to admit that I’d never considered that I could just let a moment or experiences pass through me without me capturing them. When something cool happens, my knee-jerk reaction is to grab my phone, I constantly film and snap my surroundings, write regularly in my journal, make a Spotify playlist every month, all in the name of satisfying my nostalgia when I look back to this time in my life.
I guess when I’m capturing a moment in my life, my mind goes “this will be one of those moments.” and I’m doing it with the knowledge that the space in time I’m in can be recalled but not relieved, and when I see those moments in the future, I remember the feeling of it. By documenting my life — my presence, me being there — I might get to see a former version of myself, how different I feel back then versus now. I get to mourn the different versions of my life and self I yearn to go back to or to escape. I get to appreciate how far I have come and how life has been treating me so far. Ironically though, I hate the iPhone photo ‘Memories’ where it decided to put together a whole ass slideshow of my memories from certain places and time with sad songs and shit.
This constant need for having evidence is one thing, but sharing them online is another thing. Technology and the digital age exploit this need. When I found myself doing something cool or when something important happened in my life, I automatically reached for my phone and posted it online. I know I like to capture the moment to help me remember, to capture details I’m scared I’ll forget. To preserve memories. But why do I feel the need to post the things I do online? Is it because I seek validation from others? Does this give me an increase in self-esteem and self-control? Is it because I am in constant pursuit of emotional help? Is it to get more likes and followers? Or simply, I share because I enjoy sharing and it helps me feel more connected to the world?
I don’t have the exact answers, it might be all of the above. Every person is different. Every situation is different. What is important to me may not be important to you. But I think many of us document our lives and share them out of a genuine desire to hoard memories. We are a sucker for nostalgia, a magical place that would provide a safer and more soothing medium for connection. There is a deep-rooted comfort embedded in the certainty of knowing what is “done”, especially when the present world is clouded with uncertainty.
This goes without saying that while I think it’s okay to document your life and share them online to prolong the present, it’s still important to know the boundaries. We do not have to always digitize everything and we do not owe anyone anything. I think it might be easy and comforting to idealise the past, but it’s also good and nice to stop once in a while, to be reminded that we are just a tiny specs of dust floating around in space, trying to make the most of things and connect to someone.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I wish for you flowers and sunshine, gentle breeze and clear skies.
Til next time x
Gita
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