008 - On Wanting More
More shoes. More clothes. More books. More this, more that. More, more, more.
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In the moment of hope and self tenderness
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Today, I want to write about this contradiction in myself. I have been thinking a lot about this insane appetite I have in me to want more. I have been asking myself: am I asking too much? I feel like yearning and wanting something seems to be my default state. While writing this, I stopped to check SSENSE and thought to myself that I needed a new top for the upcoming summer. It is taking all of my self-control to come back to writing this newsletter instead of clicking add to cart. Also, few days ago, I popped in to Aesop and saw they have a new aromatic incense and became conviced that I need them because it will look cute in my apartment.
Why do I love buying things so much and why do I always have the tendency to want more things? Sometimes I just scroll scroll and scroll through pages of products, clicking here and there to free my mind from whatever is occupying it. Maybe a simple answer is that I just like nice things. But we all know that's not the whole truth. There are layers to this beast. Each item that makes its way into my cart online or in real life turns into a new acquisition opportunity for an image of what I could be if I owned that thing.
If I had a new laptop with a bigger storage where I could install Adobe InDesign without worrying it would crash, maybe I could create my own magazine. If I had a pair of The Row black virgin wool pants, maybe I could be like Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen. If I had a 3-seat Togo sofa and a Roly Poly lounge chair, maybe I could be this classy-artsy-chic woman who throws parties and amazing dinners.
Like I said in the beginning, I feel like a contradiction. That, on one hand I’m trying to be as cautious as possible when it comes to buying things, especially in relation to fashion. Only buy a timeless item that you could wear for a long time! You don’t need a new pair of pants! That egg-shaped candle is cute but useless! You should just be happy with what you have! However, on the other hand, I can’t stop this desire inside of me that wants more nice things.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have worked hard on a job I barely enjoy and I deserve something nice for myself. Maybe it has something to do with the limited-time offer I have on this planet and I’m worried I will miss my chance to buy whatever I want and become the person I want to be. Maybe it’s because I feel like I deserve something better. Maybe I have this stupid belief that more shoes are going to change everything about the prevailing quality of my life from going downhill. Maybe this is my coping mechanism. Who knows.
I think we live in a society where we are being judged on how we present ourselves, our home, our workspace, to the world. What we buy reflects how we want to be perceived. When I was in high school I had a lot of junk in my room. I was so obsessed with The Upstairs and I only bought bright neon pants with polka dots shirts or stripes skirts. I was building a version of myself at that time — “The quirky girl who likes dancing and weird music.” During college, I bought a giant American flag to hang on top of my bed and got myself a whole DVD set of Woody Allen’s movies because I wanted to be a New York City girl, dreaming of American life.
While I believe that I buy the things to communicate who I am and what my interests are, I don’t want to think that these material objects and beauty define me specifically. It might define a certain period of time, what was going on in my life at that period, but it certainly won’t be attached to me forever because my interests and dreams change and the things I want also change.
I checked my bank account every now and then and wondered when my life would be different, when I would not have to worry about money and why I should save up just to buy a nice perfume. I want to be able to afford all the nice things that I wanted, without feeling guilty, without feeling like I’m wasting my money, without worrying how am I going to pay for the next electricity bill. Nothing crazy, just a small luxury. I stopped wanting a grand life a long time ago, but I just wanted a simple but beautiful life full of nice little things that makes me happy when I’m surrounded by them.
Greed is an ugly feeling and I’m ashamed to admit that I’m attached to it. I guess I’m still trying to figure out how to be a better and responsible person each day, while also allowing myself the care and consideration to want things for my own self-hood and expression. I’m also still trying to learn that I can appreciate beauty and nice things from a distance, without having to own it. It takes time, but I pray that I will always have enough and be grateful for whatever I have.
Thanks for being here. Can I hug you? X
Gita
✿✿✿ SOME COOL STUFF FOR YOU ✿✿✿
💐 How I looooove snooping inside someone else’s house and wishing it was my house. Like this beautiful bedroom with a beautiful view. This beautiful Spanish mission apartment by the beach owned by the coolest people. This indoor garden an pond. This green bathroom. This arch and window overlooking the mountain. This bookshelves. and this loft house. Crying.
🌷 I might be late to the game, but I just watched Abbot Elemantary and I’m obsessed!!! It’s so funny and wholesome and do you think I could be a teacher??
🌸 I picked up this book from a local library because the short description of the book says “a writer suffered a ten-month migraine, so he took a job as a train guard.” This intrigued me so much, especially since it’s a memoir and happened in Sydney and boy I’m glad I read this book. It moved me so much and educated me and I feel so grateful to read it <3
🌼 Lately I have been scolling through this catalogue of Joan Didion’s possessions that going up for a sale — beautiful dinnerware, tasteful chairs and desks, fine art collection, decorations and books from her Upper East Side apartment. I’m thinking of taking a bid on her collection of blank notebooks but of course I can’t afford it. Sigh.
🌹 Listens to this and drink your water.