Hello, so nice seeing you again. I hope this week is treating you okay?
I’m writing to you from a cute coffee spot in my neighborhood. No one’s here except me and the owner of this cafe, a beautiful Korean couple blasting old Korean vinyls. I’m having their house-baked sweet, a yummy mochi brownie and sipping my latte. It’s a beautiful sunny day and I can smell the eucalyptus leaf scent hanging in the air. This moment brings me an immense degree of delightful solitude. There is something comforting and empowering in doing things alone, as you get to appreciate the things you do, more aware of your surroundings, and more in touch with yourself.
I’ve always been good at being on my own. I’m an only child and also a Sagittarius, so make of that what you will. But more than that, I take very real pleasure in the independent rituals I have developed over the years — a solitary trip to foreign countries, dining and going to the movies alone, watching concerts on my own, or exploring places by myself. I could go a whole day without talking to a single human being and I would feel fine. I have spent a fair amount of time by myself and I would say that I’m very comfortable in my own company. Although friends would ask me “Don’t you feel weird eating alone?” or “Is everything okay?” They wonder.
Spending time alone, as for me, is a way to recharge my batteries, to empty my mind of everyday stuff and focus on my own self-expression but also on the beauty of my surroundings, and by doing things alone, it allows me to connect with the things that inspire me. Having said that, it’s also important to highlight that while I enjoy doing things on my own, that doesn’t mean I didn’t experience any periods of loneliness and isolation that are crippling inside of me.
For me personally, solitude is different from loneliness. If you hate it, it’s loneliness. If you enjoy it, it’s solitude. I see solitude as not only being OK with my own company, but I’m also taking this time as a self-reflection, to take a breather from the world and just to be with myself. We are living in a hyper-connected world, in which we can communicate constantly and easily all over the internet, that we get so caught up with it and forget to carve out spaces for solitary contemplation. We obsessively thumb through Instagram and Twitter, we check our email hundreds of times per day, we look up for friends, ex-lovers, enemies, people we barely know, people we have no business knowing. We are always looking for companionship and we reject the idea of being alone.
It is normal to feel frightened of being alone. Some poeple might find the thought of spending time alone can induce cold sweat. Simply requesting a table for one can send your heart racing with despair; people might seem like they are staring; you’re just lef with your own thoughts as the rest of the city buzzes around; do I sit facing a wall so I don’t have to see or talk to anyone??
We grew up in a social environment that sent out the explicit message that solitude was bad for you. It was bad for your mental health and bad for your character too. When you choose to remove yourself from the social context and enjoy solitude, it is considered sad, something to avoid, like a punishment, a realm of loners. However, to think of it, much of our waking day is spent alone. Whether sitting alone commuting to and from work on a bus to savoring a 20 minute “quiet time” smoking and eating your lunch alone during a busy workday, solitude is embossed in our day-to-day experiences. But of course, not everyone experiences solitude the same way. Some people find doing things alone terrifying and bleak. While others might crave for alone time and find it to be a crucial sanctuary.
I acknowledge that being able to embrace and enjoy solitude is a privilege. Solitude can only work if it is voluntary, if you embrace it and revel in it. Solitude requires you to be naked, pulling away the armor that stands between you and the world. I know that sounds scary, especially if you have been alone and dealing with loneliness for a long time, you must crave for a connection, a companionship.
This is what happened to me. I was single for most of my 20s, while all of my close friends were dating, I was left alone without someone to watch a movie with. But just because I don’t have someone to do something together, that doesn’t mean I can’t do it by myself. And as I grew older, I learned that all those years I spent alone were good for my personal growth and self-acceptance. While having a partner to do certain things can be nice and fun, it’s not always necessarily the only option. I can have fun and enjoy things alone too.
Yes it’s true, having social connections is an important part in our lives but I think the secret of being happy and the cure for not feeling lonely is not necessarily by meeting or connecting with someone. In a city full of people, it can also be isolating. Living in a big city could just as much make you feel (more) lonely despite being surrounded by so many people, friends and acquaintances. I think the key is about knowing how to enjoy yourself and learning how to be alone comfortably and befriend yourself. Once you learn to enjoy your own company, you will never feel lonely.
The older I get, the more I realize that it’s important to be comfortable with yourself and independent of others. I believe that my relationship with solitude is one of the most important ones I have in this life. Your alone time should not be something that you’re afraid of. Find meaning or don’t find meaning but take some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self. That doesn’t make you antisocial or reject the rest of the world. You just need to breathe and be. It might take a little bit of work to get comfortable but once it does, it will turn into a pleasant experience that you have with your own self.
So go out for a walk alone. Watch a movie alone. Grab brunch alone. Visit the gallery alone. Learn to love solitude and to be more alone with yourselves. Trust me, it’s beautiful and hugely rewarding.
See you next time? X
Gita
✿✿✿ SOME COOL STUFF FOR YOU ✿✿✿
🌸 One of the best book I read this year. It’s a warm, funny, relatable book of modern family life in Auckland. The characters, the dialogue, the family dynamics and the drama, the Māori-Russian-Catalonian family, the NZ setting, everything is just perfect. I honestly feel sad and empty once I finished the book because I want to keep spending my time with them and become their extended family.
🌼 Some Japanese City Pop for you to dance during the sunset.
🌺 “Sometimes the loneliness made me tremble, but there’s a pleasure in that too.” My favorite Hong Sang-soo’s movie <3
🌷I’m so craving for the creamiest, dreamiest, perfect, fluffy, soft, omurice.
💐 Something to think about :)