013 - On Social Anxiety
Oh hello. Life on Earth™️ continues to spiral out of control but I’m trying to be grateful for the small slithers of sun that shine onto my face.
I went bowling with a group of friends a few weeks ago, had lasagna and negroni for dinner, which was lovely, when I suddenly ran out of things to say. My ability to construct a flowing conversation seemed to mysteriously dry up. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. During lunch at work, I was just sitting there listening to my coworker talking about a TV series that I just watched and I can’t seem to say anything. The same incident also happened a few times before during social gatherings. You’re being really boring, said a mean voice inside my head. Why are you so boring now?, a mean voice shouted again in bed at night.
I can’t really put a pin when all this social anxiety starts crippling in. It could have been when I moved to Melbourne and I was thrown into a new environment. It could have been after a long lockdown, I lost some of my social ease. Or it could have just been because I got older, all my enthusiasm about life and social activity and talking to people getting stripped away like old paint. Either way, I’m starting to realize that I am becoming a boring and uninteresting person, with nothing to say or stories to tell.
In the wise word of Carrie Bradshaw, I couldn’t help but wonder, has the internet, social media, and text messaging made us bad in one-on-one communication? Does the digital space exist as a buffer to allow the more relaxed versions of ourselves to pass through? To be entirely honest, I have always felt more at ease in crafting my identity through text rather than through speech. That’s why I prefer texting to phone calls because I can shape what I want to say and how I want to say it more deliberately. Writing gives me more time and space to articulate my thoughts and if I change my mind, I have the ability to just edit or delete it. Meanwhile, in face-to-face communication, sometimes it feels like someone puts a gun to my head, where I have to say the right response in the specific time-frame or I’ll die of humiliation. It will always feel like too much or not enough. Rarely feels just right.
Having this social anxiety sucks big time. It feels like I’m being tied by two ropes on both sides. On one side is isolation and the other is vulnerability. The isolation side brings guilt because I’m unable to pursue a conversation I have some interest in pursuing. Meanwhile, the vulnerable side is a risk because I tend to have an idea in my head of how a conversation is going to go, and when it doesn’t go the way they intended it to be, I would feel embarrassed and end up hurting my confidence even more.
It’s funny how during my teenage years (that’s 10 years ago), I don’t think I have ever been overcome by waves of social anxiety. I used to find it easier to strike up a conversation with people. I was someone who likes to hang out, be in a party or social gatherings, talk to different kinds of people and would instantly fit in, I made a lot of friends. It used to feel like my brain was working so much better in a social environment but now it feels like the software has been damaged and I need a new update or system. The extrovert in me loves to contribute to the conversation, but the moment I open my mouth and say my thoughts, the anxiety starts to make an appearance and makes me second guess every word I have just said.
Nowadays, it’s listening rather than speaking in large groups. It’s declining invites and not responding to messages. Waking up to the thought of having to interact socially at work makes me want to bury myself down a rabbit hole. Am I being a bad friend? Maybe. But I don’t mean to be. I just have this feeling in my chest that I’m going to say the wrong thing, so I choose to be silent. And sometimes I just don’t have the energy. Sometimes when I speak and contribute to the conversation, I can feel people’s eyes pierce through me and my brain starts to calculate every single word coming out of my mouth, expecting people to judge me. Did my voice sound weird? Did I tell the stories in the proper and right English sentences? What about my face? My outfit? My hair? My entire existence?
I had this notion in my mind that it was important to present myself in the most interesting and fun way so that people would like me. As an over-thinker, I spent a good amount of time thinking about how much others do or don’t like me at all. As pathetic as it sounds, I can’t help but look for people’s approval and feel bothered when people don't like me.
But I realized now that being preoccupied with others’ perceptions is exhausting. I’m trying so hard to care less about what other people think of me (IF they even think of me). Of course I still wanted to be liked, — I mean, who doesn’t — but I’m trying to not let the thought consume my brain for longer than three seconds. I guess I just have to start to embrace my good qualities, such as being kind, polite, and thoughtful. I’m going to try my best to be there for them and support them whenever they need. If they don’t like me or get me, they simply wouldn’t hang out with me and that’s fine. It’s supposed to be simple like that.
Because thinking about what others think of me is just a waste of energy that's going to hold me back from having fun. So I’m going to shake off this great wave of ugly thoughts that are running through my mind. Despite all of this social anxiety, I’m still trying to be a good friend. I’m still trying to have fun. Who cares if I was quiet that day? So what if I don’t have an interesting hobby or a cool fun fact about myself anymore? I don’t always have to be loud and have opinions and have jokes to tell or stories to share. I would just like to have a good time, laugh when I feel like laughing, drink and dance as the mood takes me. I would like to hear people tell stories about their life without the need to share mine. I just want to be kind and nice and surrounded by people who are kind and nice. I would like that for all of us.
Thank you for being here. Take care and don’t forget to drink your water!!!!!!!
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Gita