005 - On Celebration, Embracing Joy & Small Things
All I wanted to do was dance and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Hey you.
Thought I’d pop in and say hi.
Today I’m turning 31 and I want to acknowledge the state I am in and what birthdays feel like for me.
When I think back to my previous birthdays, growing up in a large family, birthdays were always a big deal. I’d stay up till midnight just to watch the clock tick over, friends would surprise me with cake and gifts, my family would throw a birthday party for me. I would excitedly wait for people to wish me a happy birthday and count all the posts on my Facebook and Twitter. Back then, birthdays were a grand celebration, a perfect day celebrating with my loved ones. I never really think or care about my accomplishments, or whether I have all the experiences I wanted to have, or did I do everything that I should have. I only care about my birthdays because I care about how people celebrate me and I’m being made to feel special.
However, as I grow older, I’m far less bothered by birthdays. I’ve noticed a very particular pattern I develop around my birthday where my appetite for joy and celebration has swiftly deflated. I guess you can say it’s a classic case of what psychologists call birthday depression. I’m definitely more aware of my experiences, accomplishments, failures, dreams, goals, wishes, doubts, regrets, yadda yadda yadda. I began to see a lot of weight get placed on this one glorious day. We pile on the expectations for a better year. We wait for our birthday to change us. We set deadlines and declare that this will be our year. The optimist in me always trying to swift my thinking that each birthday just might be different and be the most memorable one yet, whereas the misanthrope in me finds it stupid that I spend a ridiculous amount of energy to think about the day I was born. It’s just a day!
Birthdays are always associated with celebrations and when I think about a celebration, I think about these pictures of Toni Morisson dancing at a disco party. The pictures were taken in March 1974, the same month Toni was editing Angela Davis’ autobiography. In the pictures, Toni wore a shimmering slip dress looking bright and happy, moving her hips on the dance floor alongside New York City partygoers. What makes me return to these pictures is because outside those dance floors, was a world of political and economical turmoil, but Morisson looked so much at ease and in the moment that makes me smile and want to dance too. Something about these photographs spoke to me whenever I think about embracing joy and celebration. Especially in the “now time” when the world is pretty much burning.
The pressure on birthdays doesn’t just come from your internal battle. Social media doesn’t make this any easier either. On your birthday, it’s impossible to not tally up how many people made an effort to send you a personal message to wish you a happy birthday or which your friends posted a birthday shutout on Instagram as a tribute to you. There is also pressure to have a party because you see your friends on social media having birthday parties. And as Sagittarius (yup yup blaming everything in my life to my zodiac!), I have probably spent most of my life waiting on the big things. I used to fantasize about the idea of grand gestures, like I had this expectation of surprise and big things that anything smaller makes me question what’s wrong and wonder why it always feels like there’s something missing.
However, one of the biggest lessons I learned this year — with the pandemic and its ever-shifting rules and restrictions that have changed our social structures and stripped us of even the most everyday exchanges — is that birthday doesn’t always have to be this grand physical communion. Birthday celebration doesn’t always mean a party and confetti, it doesn’t always have to involve gifts and birthday cake. There are millions of ways to celebrate birthdays and one of them is by embracing and celebrating small things.
Instead of thinking about big stuff like what I have achieved in my life, where I would like to be in the next 5 years or what I should accomplish before I turn 40, I would like to celebrate small things that have happened to me. Small things that bring me immense pleasure, small things that can make a day such a good day, small things that remind me I’m a human. Soooooooooo this birthday, I’m going to shush away my melancholy, my ennui, my heartbreak and chaotic mind, and celebrate the small stuff. These are mine:
Going out for coffee instead of making it myself.
Back home, drinking coffee was only a small part of my daily routines. Yes, it keeps me awake and helps me to tackle the dawning day. But I have never really appreciated and understood the beauty of it. Now since I moved to Melbourne, my love for coffee has grown and blossomed. Everyday I look forward to this holy ritual, where the world spins around me as the caffeine hits my lips. Some day I found myself drinking pour over coffee in an old warehouse that’s been converted into a roaster and cafe in Collingwood. Other times, I’m sipping my flat white out of shipping containers in Footscray. They are not only making excellent coffee, but also offer an experience and genuine connection. It also taught me what a huge privilege it is to be able to sit in a coffee shop with your coffee served in an actual cup.
Having a meal alone in a restaurant.
For me, meals were more than a social exercise: They were a ritual in personal pleasure. I love to eat so much and I have an appetite for almost everything and there is nothing that can limit me from enjoying that, even if it means eating out at a restaurant/cafe by myself. I usually take a book, but often I find I’m happy enough just people-watching. There is something comforting in dining solo, because I get to appreciate the meal much more, and more aware of my surroundings and also more in touch with myself. I am always proud of being so comfortable saying “table for 1, please” in a restaurant, cafe, or bar.
Taking a long, hot shower.
Oh Gooooooooood. This brings me pleasure and is so comforting. Everyday, no matter what the weather is, I always submerge myself in a hot shower. The feeling when the heat warms up my muscles, makes me feel so relaxed. The sound of the running water serves as white noise helps me clear my mind. I feel so grateful to have a hot water system in my house.
Stepping into a bookstore/library and breathing in that perfume of paper and magic.
One does not simply buy a book and not smell it. Honestly, inhaling the smell of a book is an emotional experience. When I go into a bookstore or a library, I find myself always feel the texture of the books, admiring it on the bookshelf and inhaling it deeply as I browse through the shelf to the point that one of the staff in a bookstore caught me sniffing through the books and asked if I’m okay.
Going for a walk around the neighborhood.
In Jakarta, I do most errands by car or Gojek. It’s very very rare that I go for a walk because it’s not safe as a woman to walk alone in Jakarta. That’s why I feel so grateful to be able to take walks anywhere in Melbourne and it’s a cool way to explore places so much that it became my daily routine. I’ve walked about 5 miles each day and it has been the best thing I’ve done. I usually do it first thing in the morning or after work before the sunset. By walking around the neighborhood (or even sometimes I cross sections of multiple neighborhoods!), I become more aware and appreciate the details around me. I can stop to admire a nice house, staring at beautiful flowers and trees, and notice a cat in the upstairs window. I go north, dipping into Carlton Gardens and back out, or up to the city walking across Yarra River then straight ahead to Brunswick. Good times, always.
Playing music and singing/dancing/crying while I wash dishes, fold laundry, cook, and drink wine.
Honestly, this is one of the best feelings ever that will put my mood so much better instantly! Man, what a difference music makes! The songs don't always have to be pump up or dancing songs. Sometimes when I’m feeling blue, I will play Joni Mitchell while folding my underwear and sobbing my heart out and phew! It feels so goddamn good. The other times, I was mopping the floor and I listened to BIGBANG and danced to Fantastic Baby so hard. I love to be engaged and involved in the music that I’m listening to, not just as background while I’m doing stuff. This feels so liberating.
Calling my parents before they have a chance to ask why I didn’t call.
Being far away from your family means more phone time. I would say I’m not a really huge fan of being on the call and always prefer text as a method of communication (although I’m getting bad at this too… well). But of course distance makes us want to see each other’s faces and hear each other’s voices. Even though sometimes we don’t really have much to talk about, whenever I manage to ring them first, knowing that I think of them and miss them, it always feels so good and like I’m being re-charged.
Finding cool, great quality items in a thrift shop.
My idea of an awesome day involves scouring thrift store after thrift store, from one flea market to another vintage boutique. I have been doing this ever since I was in junior high school. My mom and aunties would take me to go to Pasar Senen and we would come home with huge multiple black plastic bags. It always feels like an adventure, and whenever I manage to find one-of-a-kind pieces, in my size — file this one under ways to feel more accomplished than running a marathon or winning a Pulitzer.
Buying flowers for myself.
I really love to buy flowers for myself, for home. I’ve noticed that when I do have flowers at home, they can have quite a profound effect on me. There is something about seeing a pop of colour in a pretty vase. I have never regretted purchasing any flowers for myself. They make me feel better, may anywhere look better, and a nice easy gift for myself. Even when I don’t have anything special going on, I will get some flowers because they are just so pretty and make me smile and I deserve a flower.
Watching the sky.
When it seems like everything is falling apart around me, I will look up at the sky. The sky has given me a sense of hope, calmness, and solace. I will look up and take a deep breath, to reminds me that the world keeps moving and nothing last forever. The sky is never in the same colour everyday, and it shows me that magic truly exists and life is full of surprise. Looking at the sky throughout the day is my favorite thing to do — to reminds me to always be grateful that I am here and I am present. That life is beautiful.
Those are only a few examples of small things that I would like to celebrate and embrace. Most of the time, life is made up of little joys and subtle moments like these that hold us and help us through. I think if we keep waiting around for groundbreaking moments or milestones, lives will be nothing but a blur of mundane routines. This is why no matter how small or insignificant these things are, I will celebrate it every now and then and just to remind myself that happiness is what we make of it. I will forever embrace and be grateful to be surrounded by small things. All I wanted to do was dance, like Morisson.
Hope you’re having a lovely day today.
Thank you for reading xxx
Gita